Bad Call

Some thoughts on Star Trek

Overall, loved it the first time, liked it the second time, there is no third time until there is DVD.  That said, little things bother me, and so, if you will, I'd like to take a moment to make fun of the movie.

 

 

In top-photo to bottom-photo order:

Nero:  His planet has been destroyed by something rather implausible, and he has been sent back in time by something more unlikely than that.  There is a moment when he gets in a good line about how he's "protecting [his] people from [the federation.]"  That's interesting, because Star Trek has never really been very good at seeing the other side of their antagonists.  What must the Federation be like to those who aren't part of it?  Sadly, his other lines are all variations on "RAAAARRRRH," and I have to admit that I'm a little tired of the "Kirk wrestles a bear to save the galaxy" storylines.

Kirk:  Speaking of Kirk, here we have a guy who begins the main story in the process of getting kicked out of Starfleet College for cheating.  When the story ends, two days later, he's put in command of the flagship.  It's my hope that there are A LOT of incredibly pissed off officers who worked their asses off for years to get their shot, and are unhappy that Jim Kirk gets promoted due to two days of fistfights and glowering.

The Death Star or whatever:  It gets to Earth, where it shoots a laser beam into the ocean to drill to the core of the planet, so it can shoot a missile down the hole and create a black hole to destroy the planet.  The Romulan Starship Balck & Decker or whatever hangs there above San Francisco while it dangles this unprotected line, which the home planet of the Federation seems entirely uncapable of shooting down.  I think *today's* San Francisco could hit that and knock it out, let alone in the future.  Tangential to that, if they have to shoot a missile down the hole, how exactly are they going to deal with the hole being filled with water at the time?  Interestingly enough, nobody seems willing to point out that a black hole NOT in the center of the Earth, but say, at surface level, would do a reasonable job of destroying the planet as well.

On the subect of black holes: The big bad ship traveled through one and went back in time.  I guess it's lucky for everyone involved that pushing it through a DIFFERENT black hole at the end of the movie destroyed that ship, rather than sending it back in time again to the point where it became necessary for Ulysses S Grant and Prudence Kirk to save the galaxy by overcoming their differences and learning to work together.

Last but not least, Chekov and Scotty:  Because this really, really bugs.  Chekov is required to input his "wictor wictor" password in order to use the P.A. system to tell everybody what's happeneing.  Later on, Scotty, who is not in fact assigned to the ship, uses a big red button to eject the engine.  It made the "Russian accents = funny" moment pretty damn jarring.  

I'm bizarrely weirded out by this

Safe at Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic

Alyssa Milano

Okay, so it's possible that there's a huge amount of Alyssa Milano backstory that I'm just kind of missing here, but:

Is this right?  Something feels a bit off to me about it, like maybe some marketing geniuses somewhere were using a dartboard full of "Things Guys Like" in order to come up with the next chocolate and peanut butter craze, and nailed "baseball" and "Alyssa Milano."

Again, it's possible that I'm doing her a huge disservice here, and now I'll do her another one by publicly stating that I'd be happy to buy her a glass of wine and chat with her about baseball or whatever.  But I still think the book feels a bit awkward.

The Insta-bench

  Presenting the Insta-bench six-seat portable bench.

Available at Amazon.

First and foremost, "Customers who bought this item also bought  --the Wiimote."  So there's, you know, that.

I won't even quibble about the fact that the mesh is moisture resistant.  I actually, by looking at it, don't think it would offer much resistance to moisture at all, but that's me.

It's six seats, and "almost" nine feet long.  So each ass would have "almost" a foot and a half of butt-space.  Each seat can also hold up to 250 pounds, though I don't honestly believe you can shove a 250-pound person into an 18-inch piece of butt real estate.

Oh, and it's six seats.  So it won't hold an entire team of ...almost any sport you care to name. 

Tomato!

0324090754

That THAT, Nature!

Gotta love St. Pete...

Drunk Hipster:  Do you fight...for Sparrrrta?
Me:  Not so much any more.
Hipster:  WHY do you not fight...for Sparrrrta?
Me:  I fought for Sparta for a while, then blew my ACL.  I'm on Sparta's injured reserve.
Hipster:  Oh.  Do you happen to have some cash for beer you could spare?
Me:  Sorry, no.
Hipster:  Then you are useless to me.
Me:  I thought we established that back in the Sparta conversation.

Thus Declared

WHEREAS societal customs and climatological considerations necessitate the wearing of a shirt and,

WHEREAS the plurality of shirts available must be rendered ineligible for wear due to factors including but not limited to:
 - being unlaundered
 - being of an incorrect fit
 - "not working with these pants,"

SUCH THAT the sole shirt remaining under consideration for this day's efforts is of a color commonly known as "brown" and uncommonly known as "coffee and cream,"

BE IT RESOLVED by the duly constituted authority of the APARTMENT THREE COUNCIL that this day, 10 March 2009, by henceforth known as either "Brown Shirt Day," or "Coffee and Cream Shirt Day,"

CELEBRATED by all legal and illegal residents of Apartment Three by means of wearing a brown shirt.

BY MY AUTHORITY, President of Apartment Three.

If enough people read this...

...I get extra money.  :)

My article.

I would do it for you...;)

QotD: Lenten Sacrifices

Today is the first day of the Season of Lent. Are you giving anything up for the next 40 days?

Yup.  Catholicism.

Ba-dum-dum!

The opportunity

Business talks a lot about change, and they generally delineate it into two kinds of change: incremental and transformational.  They're both exactly what they sound like, incremental change adjusts a process some, and transformational change adjusts things essentially entirely.  Transformational change is the "let's throw out absolutely everything and start fresh" approach, and it's incredibly rare to see in any large-scale way, because it's both very scary and very difficult.  General Motors cutting out the Saturn line of vehicles is incremental change.  General Motors converting their entire production lines to mopeds would be transformational change.

Why do I bring this up?  Because I truly believe that the United States has one of those opportunity-of-the-century moments here.  From here on out, I'm talking about a zeitgeist moment that transcends business, industry, social structures and strictures, etc.  There are any number of things that this could apply to, so I want to talk about all of them as a group.

One of the tricks with true transformational change is timing.  It's hard to pick exactly the right moment to throw away and rebuild.  You can't do it while you're successful, because there's no incentive to tinker with a system that's working.  When you're UNsuccessful, most of the time, by the time you realize that you need to do it, and have figured out your plan, you're already down the rabbit hole, and don't have the resources to effect transformational change.  All change has a cost to it, and transformational change is usually very expensive.

So here's the United States right now, in the situation we're in, and I don't really know if we recognize the opportunity in front of us.  There's a possibility that for the next ...four months, maybe, we have the need for a transformative shift in many of our industries, or our programs, or ourselves, and we have the resources to get it started.  Once we make the push, even if it takes out beyond that moment of opportunity, the ball will be in motion, and we'll HAVE to let it play out, but by the end of summer, we'll have missed our chance.  We have the NEED, we can put together the RESOURCES, and what remains is the WILL for this kind of change, which will probably have to come mostly from the middle class, and the VISION, which will come from where it comes from.

Yes, there are setbacks and hardships to this kind of thinking.  I like to use the General Motors example, because it's clearest to me.  Regardless of what's come before (legacy and sunk costs are another mental obstacle to transformative change,) General Motors identified the NEED for the change, and to an extent, they've been handed the RESOURCES, but I honestly don't see the WILL or the VISION.  I look at what I've seen of their restructuring plan, and it's unfortunately very clear to me that they don't have the leadership necessary to really look at a bold new imagining of the American automobile.

And that's the opportunity America has, right this second.  We have it within ourselves for a bold new imagining.  Now is the time for a Great Work, a piece of social re-engineering that dumps us on our collective heads and leaves us potentially leaner, faster, more competitive, and more satisfied. 

Safety scissors

Presenting the Safety Scissors with BONUS! eraser blade cap!

Available lots of places.  I, for example, saw these at Publix this morning.

How does the brainstorming session on these work?

Let's take dull, non-pointy, short, rubberized scissors, and add in a completely gratuitous scabbard.

Right.

But hey, look at the upside.  For the first time in recorded history, someone has come up with a pair of scissors that it's COMPLETELY SAFE TO RUN WITH.

Dollhouse reviewed: twenty minutes of the pilot

Eliza Dushku

Yeah.  I made it through twenty minutes of the pilot.  That's it.

It's still on my DVR, so there's a chance I'll give it another try, but I'm not sure I really want to subject myself to that.  We'll see.

PROBLEM NUMBER 1:  Eliza Dushku is, as I paraphrase from a review of "Tru Calling," nice to look at, but not a great actress.  Joss, you built the show around her, specifically FOR her, and your brilliant idea was to have her play different "characters" every week?  How many of those characters are going to look and behave like a street-smart tough chick with a touch of vulnerability?  Because that's the only thing I've really ever seen her be any good at.

PROBLEM NUMBER 2, WHICH IN FACT BOTHERS ME ENOUGH TO BE PROBLEMS NUMBER 2 AND 3:  The premise is icky.  I have as healthy/unhealthy a fantasy life as any guy I know, but this is more than a little disturbing, which you probably know.  However, you've taken a premise which is morally off-putting, and in the first ten minutes showed us WHY it's morally off-putting by date-raping her character for an entire weekend.  Yes, gentlemen, for the right amount of money, you too can have Eliza Dushku for an entire weekend, with the personality of your dreams as a bonus.  (Personality selection limited to "tough chick with vulnerable side.)  And when time runs out, she won't remember any of it.

PROBLEM NUMBER 4:  Since Joss oh-so-nicely re-shot the pilot so that we could have the unpleasant aspects of this premise (are there pleasant aspects of this premise?) right in our face as the opening teaser, I'm not convinced I can overcome that enough to give the show a second chance.  instead, I may go re-watch "The New Guy," where she's still fun to look at, but I don't have to feel bad about myself.

Martini Sandals

Presenting Martini Sandals

Available from After 5

where to start, where to start?  a very dear friend of mine once suggested that martinis taste like feet. 

Also, they're $100, nobody can see the cocktail glasses while you're wearing them, and you shouldn't be wearing Dr. Scholls flipflops while in the company of a martini anyway.  

From Saturday's program

Do I have the slightest idea how I took this picture?  No.  I wish I did.  Incidentally, if you look closely, he's riding two unicycles.

IMG_0639

The two-da-loo

Presenting the two-do-loo

Available here (minimum order of 12, which is just a whole 'nother area of wrong, ain't it?)

Here's today's piece of mental homework:

Before you buy this, you have to decide to buy this, and unless you are extremely OCD, there's another person involved.

How do you start the conversation where you suggest buying a two-seated toilet?

Show your work in the comments.

Yeah. I'm completely nuts...

For reasons best left off of this post, I've had various music from "West Side Story" off and on in my head for the last couple of weeks.  Today, I decided to get tough with it, and played it in the car on my way to work, singing along whenever.

What? It's TOTALLY NOT GAY! :)

 

My brain, which is never normal, decides that what I want most in the world right now is to be dating a girl named Maria, so I could sing "Maria" and "Tonight" whenever I felt like it. (my friend J: "You realize this is why you get frequently questioned about your sexual preferences?")

 

So the next illogical jump for me, which happens almost immediately, is that, should I get married, instead of a church wedding, or an outdoor wedding, or an elopement or a Klingon wedding or anything like that, I want a full-blown musical wedding.  Bridal party, officiant, everybody, proceeding as normal, stopping every so often to have elaborate set-piece musical numbers.  That's ceremony AND reception, by the way.  Then, at the end of the party, we get up in front and have the following conversation:

"Well, everybody, it's been great, but the couple is OUTTA HERE!"

"You can't leave.  What will we do without you?"

"C'mon, guys.  You can't stay here all night.  Besides, we'll stay in touch."

"But how will we know?"

"A WOP LOP A DOO WOP"

"A WOP BAM BOO!"

Then we all do the "We Go Together" number from the end of "Grease," and go home.

 

This is why I don't really use drugs.  My brain did this to me ON MY WAY TO WORK.  Can you imagine what I'd be like?