Bad Call

The Insta-bench

  Presenting the Insta-bench six-seat portable bench.

Available at Amazon.

First and foremost, "Customers who bought this item also bought  --the Wiimote."  So there's, you know, that.

I won't even quibble about the fact that the mesh is moisture resistant.  I actually, by looking at it, don't think it would offer much resistance to moisture at all, but that's me.

It's six seats, and "almost" nine feet long.  So each ass would have "almost" a foot and a half of butt-space.  Each seat can also hold up to 250 pounds, though I don't honestly believe you can shove a 250-pound person into an 18-inch piece of butt real estate.

Oh, and it's six seats.  So it won't hold an entire team of ...almost any sport you care to name. 

The telescope in a mango wood box

Presenting the telescope in a mango wood box

Available at genericgifts.com

GenericGifts (they "don't care about brand names, only quality") has put this in their "Office gifts" category.  In that light, ask yourself the following questions:

1)  Is your office on a schooner?  If not, you might want to re-think this.

2)  "Mango wood?"  Why mango wood?  Maybe it smells nice.  I dunno.

Wrist Strap Digital Camera

Presenting the Wrist Strap Digital Camera

Available from ThinkGeek, who actually do have some camera stuff I'm considering buying, which is totally beside the point.

People who might have a use for this:  Dick Tracy

People who have no conceivable reason to own this:  Everyone else.

The smallest portable turntable

Presenting the smallest portable turntable

Available at Hammacher-Schlemmer

Why would one need a portable record player?  Vinyl records themselves are ...not that portable, at least in quantity, and anyone with a decent supply of them is also going to have a player, in much the same way anyone with a decent supply of VHS tapes will have a VCR, so it's NOT NECESSARY to bring your own.

The ceramic space heater ...for your CAR

Presenting the ceramic auto space heater

Available from the ironically named thinkawesome.com

It's a space heater!  For your CAR!  Which, yes, already has a heater in it, often, but now you can have TWO!  And you can put it on your dashboard, or down by your feet!  There's nothing flammable in your car down by your feet, is there?  Oh, wait, there is?  Well, it certainly wouldn't slide around and maybe get jammed under the brake pedal, would it?  Oh, it could?  Well, then ...maybe you're trying to get rid of someone and need it to look like an accident?  I guess?  Sure, let's go with that.  Buy in bulk, so they won't suspect you!

Replica firearms

Presenting blank-firing, full-size replica machine pistols

Available from Executive Office Gifts

You know, what really gets me about this (other than the fact that the handle is CLEARLY molded for right-handed people) is that it's available at Executive Office Gifts, where somebody thought that there are people in the world who would get their supervisors a model weapon as a Secret Santa present.

Incidentally, you can also purchase this piece of insanity with a box of blank ammunition, and even extra clips.  This means that your supervisor will have everything he needs to get the full impact from pondering the possibility of an office rampage.  So if you get this for your team leader, speaking for all of us in Development, thanks a whole fucking bunch.

The cooler scoop

Presenting the cooler beverage scoop

Available from After 5

Why do you need this thing?  You don't need this thing.  There are two things in the world you need a scoop for; kitty litter and ice cream.  In the case of getting a beer out of the cooler, your hand is much more versatile, and much, much cheaper.

Twinkie Cookbook

Presenting the Twinkie cookbook

Available from Amazon

I don't know how to explain to you how completely gross this concept is to me. The twin phrases "Twinkie Sushi" and "Twinkie Burrito" should really be enough to turn you off of this.

The Drinking Caddy

Presenting the "Designated Driver" Cooler Club

Available at After 5

Since I seem to be on a "don't get this for your boss kick," these days, allow me to also suggest that you not purchase this for your boss. Your boss does not need a present from a minion that simultaneously alludes to both their habit of skiving off work for a round of golf, but also shows off their drinking problems.

The Micro Manager

Presenting the Micro Manager

Available from Abernook

Abernook claims that this is a brilliant idea for Bosses Day.

They are wrong, because one of the things your boss does not want to unwrap and see is something making fun of them.

Personal hair removal laser

Presenting the personal hair removal laser

Available here.

I almost feel like I shouldn't have to explain this.  Don't we do enough damage to ourselves with non-laser hair removal devices?

Oh, and laser hair removal is supposed to be permanent, right?  So how much use do you really have for this?  And will you stick with it?  I can tell you from bitter experience that it feels exactly like having the portion of your hair beneath the skin incinerated.  It only hurts for a second, but it hurts.

Cricket puppet

Presenting the Folkmanis cricket puppet

Alas, not available any more.

You might think that I'm going to pick on this for being a giant puppet of a horrible bug.  I'm not.  You might think I'm going to pick on it for the fact that it looks like it was made of leather, and belongs in the Scariest Dominatrix Bag Ever, but I'm not.  No, what I'm going to pick on is that, according to the site I found it on, it has "a six-finger glove to make the cricket crawl along."  So it's apparently only really useful to six-fingered people who are also puppeteers, and that, my friends, is a pretty small market.

Over here is what got me thinking about crickets last night.  You really should have been at that conversation.

LOL magnets

Presenting LOLmagnets

Brought to you by my go-to vendorfor stupid stuff.

I can has sick bag?

USB shaver

Presenting the USB-rechargeable shaver.

Available in very limited quantities from x-treme geek

Normally, I'm all about the multipurposing of my life. However, my computer and my personal grooming routine need, I feel, to remain distinct, if for no other reason than to not get whiskery crud in my keyboard.

Staple-free Stapler

Presenting the staple-free stapler

Available from ThinkGeek, naturally.

Yeah, I don't know. It's "environmentally Friendly" in the sense that it doesn't use staples, it instead folds the corners of your document back on itself.

Could you not perhaps fold the corners of your document yourself, thus being MORE environmentally friendly by virtue of the fact that you don't need more annoying plastic on your desk?

That's what I thought.